Khanology

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

Sometimes in the SNIFF room, you really don’t have real work to do. Literature team has definitely been one of the hardest working for a very long time now. But with more assignments being completed, there is sometimes a lull in the activities. Me being the content writer and part of the busy work-force, I while my time in the room either
1. listening to music
2. chatting with everyone
3. playing spider solitaire
4. watching other committees work
5. doodling
6. watching Khan
Yes, the Khan everyone is so obsessed with bashing. Personally, I feel more than he works for SNIFF, it’s a case of SNIFF working because of him. Exemplary vision, command over all functions, great organisational skills, excellent appraisal of each and every committee, and an unfortunate lack of human interaction defines Abhishek Khan. The last factor plays a lot against him. Like true BMM students, the contingent prefers using words like ‘demoralising’ instead of rude, ‘dysfunctional’ instead of busy and ‘Cro-Magnon’ instead of ‘instinctive’. I admit the last term for the guy was coined by me, because of his high cheek bones, cropped hair and jutting jaw – but everything else about him seems more developed than any one else in the room. No, he’s real good – I don’t mean they’re dumb.
Khan has this particular pattern of moving and making sounds. I may sound like a zoologist talking about a primate, pardon me for that, but it’s just a note of keen and severely bored observation.
He enters the room sideways- he’s always looking outside. He moves arms first- they’re all over the place. His hands are very busy- either having their nails chewed off, or scratching the back of his head, or correcting a few hours of work by someone, or plainly resting at the back of his head when he’s reading literature content.
Coming to the face- It bears the most intriguing expression. Something like how a Manhattan office goer will look when kept amongst a bunch of Zulus. He looks constantly amused by the level of stupidity that surrounds him, like he’s wondering what on earth happened to mankind. This happens is all conditions- if he’s happy, joking, thinking, yelling, eating (which like Hemanshu and a dozen others, depends on Renu), angry- you name it. I award him for consistency.
Then comes his voice. I do think the tone’s a lot like Suniel Shetty. The pitch has a tendency of spreading all over the octave in a breath (ask him to say ‘Yeh literature itna aawaz kyon kar raha hai?’). He can’t seem to whisper. It’s either a volume adequate enough for a person sitting 3 feet away to hear or it’s to the whole room. More like the whole room.
His moods. I can’t define them, because they’re very simple: savage, hungry, kind, rotten, busy.
In a savage mood, Saleha’s bound to be fired.
In a hungry mood, Renuka’s asked to get him a brown bread schzewan vada paav, or chocolate waffle, as I heard last.
In a kind mood, I get a pat on the back, literally. Though I must add, he’s really nice to me. May be because I’m a Khan-loyalist, as my team puts it. Very well. The others get some funny statements and there’s a leg pulling session. It happens when he’s fed and getting entries.
Rotten is when you should avoid him. Of course, his voice booms through the room like the walls have speakers, but steer clear of the Khan roller and you’ll live.
Busy is when he’s mute, and expects the whole room to go mute. The PC he uses gets a post-it saying ‘Khan’s computer for the day’. You tend to forget he’s in the room. The atmosphere seems like there’s a one day going on, India’s score is 341/9 while Pakistan’s 341, and Shoaib’s bowling the last ball to Tendulkar. All suspense and dramatic. It’s the end for those who choose to poke him in the back with dividers, like Ankur the Valiant.
The effect he has on the committees is phenomenal. You know Khan’s around when everyone starts streaming into the room and getting about their work after playing around. People have raised eyebrows, like they’re watching Chidambaram announce the budget. Literature’s smiling, maybe except Sri.
You’ll know the complete Khannedness only if you spend an hour in the SNIFF room.
He’s pretty much my idea of a boss, of sorts. A visionary, an artist (www.art-republic.org for his creations), a man with a mission.
And an excellent specimen of peculiar behaviour for bored committee members!